It’s been about two weeks since I came back from Norway and I wrote a post just before I left but! Never really managed to finish it. I don’t think I really digested what I’d learnt, my mind was firmly in the ‘next step’ mode and trying to sort my life out. Anticipating moving back home, not having a job and basically starting over again.
So lets just quickly get up to speed.
I spent a few days in London with my Good Judy’s, we have seen each other maybe twice, three times this year and it was just amazing to be in the same room together. The day after I arrived back to Wales, I had an interview for what I’d describe is the job I dreamt of during Uni. Working with young people with different mental health issues, being in a hospital setting with psychologists and therapists etc. I mean, it really is a perfect opportunity, despite the money, despite the time it’ll take to get there, it’s what I wanted. Not only that, but a coffee store I previously contacted while in Norway (who had filled the position in the meantime) messaged me asking if I could come in the next week. Somehow I’ve landed TWO jobs, one which I class as perfect and one which is just ‘for fun’ because I don’t really need two, but I friggin’ love making coffee. I’m so happy!
Further on from that, a few other things have happened.
I’m constantly cooking. Like, all the fucking time. Experimenting with recipes, playing with vegan foods and really getting interested in cooking. It was something that I really wanted to bring back from Norway, but I thought it would be hard to keep up with time and it being easier to just not be bothered about what I eat. But actually, it’s fun. In the week before I left, I really read into ethical buying and switching to eating more plant based foods. Now, I am nowhere near a vegan (in fact, I went out for dinner tonight and ate chicken, sue me) and I don’t proclaim to be anything near one, but experimenting with different foods has taken me away from boring, easy meals and trying out a lot of different things. When I was younger, I had a dream of having my own smallholding and being self sufficient, weird, right? I don’t think many people would think that. But I went through this phase where I grew a shit tonne of my own food, and it was such a good time! Anyway, I would love to move to a more locally produced, organic way of eating. And that goes for coffee, too. Starbucks is an easy one here but they’re not near ethical…or local. So it’s a journey, but a tasty one nonetheless.
Aside from that, I have one even bigger revolution. My anxiety has packed its bags and left me. Now, I’m not a fool and I know that it’s so much more complex than that but it’s been such a long time since I’ve really been able to sit with no worries. And it’s at a point where I have nothing and I’m back to square one. Someone who I worked with said they found freedom in having little, I didn’t understand. Personally, there’s nothing worse to me than having no money, no job and no direction (ok, I lied. Not having wifi is worse). But I get it now, there really is freedom is nothingness. The only hint of worry I have recently is finding the time to fit in travel…
I went through a lot of emotions during my trip. For maybe the first month and a half I felt resistant. At points, I felt anger. I think being away from people, being in the mountains with nothing but time to yourself really made for a great inward reflection. There was a point where a switch flipped and I felt no more anger or wanting to leave, and I truly believe I had to get to that point to completely understand what it was that brought me to Nosen. I’m currently reading through Michael Singer’s ‘Untethered Soul’ and, I’ve never believed in this chakra, energy blocking shite, but now I really do feel like there was a lot of blocking happening inside myself. Through previous experience, hurt, resentment, anger, all holding a place on my being. In one of my earlier posts, I wrote about making a paper aeroplane with all of that written on it and how hard it was to let that aeroplane fly into the fjord. I was wilfully allowing myself to hold onto everything.
That’s not how I want to be, and that’s not what I feel like currently. And hopefully in the future I’ll remind myself never to do it again. I have this calmness in my body that I’ve not felt for…a loooong time? I’m becoming an observer and allowing flow, nothing deserves my complete energy or lack thereof. That, my friends, is a really good fucken feeling.
I would end this post with how I’m ‘opening myself to love’ or some bollocks, but I really feel like the previous writing kind of sums it up in itself. So I’ll just say that I’m on some path here, and that path is golden.