Resistance is a word that keeps buzzing in my mind recently.
This summer I graduated and began moving from the life I’ve known for the past three years, which doesn’t sound like a long time but Uni was the place where I feel I really started to grow up. I upped sticks and left the country for the city and now I have upped sticks once more from the city back to the country, however I still feel resistant to change.
I anticipated this year in two parts, pre and post graduation and have felt the urge to peel my ‘old’ life off like an onion skin.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing to complain about- in fact I’m so grateful to be able to lead the life I do. I have been trying to for what feels like the longest time to wash off this character that I don’t want to be anymore and step into this new person that I’ve made for myself. But I am so resistant to the discomfort of change and what follows, growth.
It’s weird because looking back on the travelling, learning etc, it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at my own life and that is what I want to change. Before this, the people and even the person that I was did some stupid shit that makes me reluctant to believe nobody has an ulterior motive. I’m finding more and more recently that I’m surrounded by genuine people whose only motive seems to be cultivating their spirituality and creating a life that they want to live. Yet I am still resistant to believe that they don’t have something up their sleeve and from that I hold myself back, once again sabotaging my own growth.
My worst trait has to be constantly worrying about my outward impression to others, I never want to look like a fool. Even down to practicing my Norwegian, I’d rather not try than try and end up looking like a tit!! I really wish I could just embrace the unknown and seeing where things go.
Another form of resistance I’ve felt is from feeling. It’s just so much easier to detach and carry on, until the only time you allow yourself to understand the realities of situations are in front of your counsellor. And reality is something that needs to be embraced and not resisted. I think sometimes it’s so much easier to hold onto pain and anger when it’s denied because it’s 100x harder to appreciate that the grass is green when only focused on fixing the weeds.
This week I’ve spent a longer time than ever sat in front of water. I don’t know what it is that’s so calming about it, but it’s a friggin great analogy for what non-resistance is. Sometimes there’s waves, sometimes it’s calm, it’s part of something much, much bigger and it’s forever flowing.